As Long As Your Mine: ‘Once Upon a Time’ 3.17 & 3.18

I’m back friends and I just caught up to Once Upon a Time, “The Jolly Roger” (3.17) and “Bleeding Through” (3.18). These episodes were clearly written to put Captain Swan/Swan Queen/Outlaw Queen shippers into a frenzy as well as remind us that while the Charmings may be the world’s most boring couple, they need some love too. Let’s dive in, shall we? (Ha ha fish joke.)

So these two episodes serve to illuminate more of Zelena’s evil plan as well as gave us some interesting/confusing background on some of the characters lives. I swear there is more incest on this show than Game of Thrones. This is my understanding of the relationships in this show right now: Cora wanted to marry Leopold who instead married Ava. They had Snow White. Cora had Regina with…someone else(?). Regina wanted to marry Daniel, but ended up saving Snow White and then being forced by Cora to marry Leopold…who was her mother’s former fiance? Why didn’t Cora just marry Leo herself after Ava died? Oh and Cora also kills Ava at some point as well. I really can’t keep this whole mess straight.

I guess the relationships matter less than what they mean: Zelena wants to go back in time and kill Ava so her mom can be with the King and she can be trained by her father figure/wannabe lover Rumplestiltskin. If that plan succeeds Snow won’t be born, but neither will Regina or Emma or Henry. So there’s that. Also, can we talk about Z’s creepy obsession with Rumple? That scene made me so uncomfortable, my goodness. Out of all the characters Zelena has the biggest daddy issues and that is certainly saying something. I guess it makes sense that Rumple is the first person who thought she was worth anything and so she fell in love with him, but I thought she was smarter than to fall for his tricks. She learns just in time that he does not in fact want to make sweet love to her, but instead  is trying to get back his dagger. Boy, love really does make you blind.

So this whole plan of Zelena’s is VERY ambitious because as EVERYONE keeps mentioning, time travel is SO HARD. No one can do it. But wait, David (with the first smart idea of his entire life), mentions that maybe his yet unborn/unnamed baby must be the key! So any day now this baby should be born and Zelena will appear from the sky to use it in her potion making? I get the feeling that this baby is just a macguffin and will not exist past this Wicked Witch storyline. I guess I just can’t picture it actually existing because of how little we know (still) about the missing year and how it came to be in the first place.

Speaking of the missing year that No One But Hook Can Mysteriously Remember, we get a little about what he was up to during that time which was mainly moping about Emma in the most emo way possible and playing land pirate. One night he meets my tied-with-Aurora-for-least-favorite-character Ariel who accuses him of kidnapping Prince Eric in a storyline that’s basically just meant to show how tormented and damaged Hook is. It also leads to a confrontation with the Pirate Blackbeard, who, in case the writers of OUAT are unaware, is a real person and not a fairy tale character. But history be damned! Blackbeard and Hook fight and Blackbeard is made to walk the plank without disclosing the location of Eric. This is only important because Ariel shows up in Storybrooke once again looking for Eric and Hook once again has to  help her look for him. 

As soon as I saw redhead Ariel I was wondering if the show had reached their ginger quota or something because Zelena was mysteriously missing from the episode. Until it turns out she IS Ariel (not that surprised) and cursed Hook’s lips when he evoked the name of his love, Emma (swoon). The whole ending of “The Jolly Roger” made me mad because the number one problem the characters of OUAT face is NOT TALKING ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS. Hook could literally walk up to ANYONE and say, “Hey, Zelena cursed me and if I don’t take away Emma’s magic powers she’s going to kill all of you.” That would be too easy though. Instead he spends all of “Bleeding Through” not engaging in witty banter with Emma and gazing wistfully into the distance.

More wistful gazing that happened in this week’s episode? Regina and Robin. Somehow Zelena found that the Hooded one was holding her sister’s heart and sent Rumple to get it. Robert Carlyle is truly impressive in this scene as a man with no agency and no desire to do the things he is being force to. You could see the pleading in his eyes as he tries to get the heart from Robin without hurting Roland. I cannot wait for the real Rumple to come back, I miss his devious ways. I hope he is the one who gets to stick it to Zelena once and for all after all she has put him through. Regina understands Robin’s sacrifice and after a pep talk about her “resilient heart” with Snow goes and kisses the heck out of him. Which automatically makes me nervous. Zelena is out to hurt her and would stop at nothing to do it. Which means Robin is in danger. I’m pretty surprised Zelena hasn’t found out about Henry yet. I thought for sure when Zelena was in Regina’s house she would see a picture of Henry and figure it all out somehow. Speaking of the kid, where was he in 3.18? Sometimes he needs to be babysat and sometimes he just watches himself? Also, David teaching him how to drive was slightly funny, but more so for Regina’s reaction and quick cover up.

I dislike not being able to watch Once Upon a Time live (and 3 hours later than usual), but such is the price of now living in California. I think I’ll survive. When is the season finale for this show because I’m pretty sure the baby won’t be born until then or the end of the episode before. Also, the next recap/review should be back to one episode at a time!

Final Words

  • Why can Hook remember the missing year when no one else can??
  • David’s confusion at Emma saying they “Skyped” with Ariel and Eric was priceless
  • I like the name Leopold. Leo is such a cute nickname
  • Regina puts a protection spell on the Charming’s apartment and then they spend time EVERYWHERE but there
  • Where are Mulan and Aurora/why do I care?
  • Regina/Emma magic training scenes were pure perfection. I also didn’t hate the Regina/Snow scenes
  • Thank you for bringing back Rose McGowan as Cora, I love her to death in this role
  • That ‘Prince Jonathan’ storyline gave me serious Frozen flashbacks

Favorite Quotes:

  • Favorite quote of the series maybe so far- Regina: The number of spells involving baby parts would surprise you. (3.17)
  • David (assembling a crib): I’ve seen enemy battle plans that were easier to decipher than this. (3.17)
  • Regina (about Hook): He’s prone to violence, impulsive, and has a hook for a hand. What would a 12 year old boy not like? (3.17)
  • Regina: Don’t drink it! It’s a deadly poison for summoning the dark forces. David: I prefer Earl Grey. (3.18)

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